New Moon Review
by Sir Egg of Breakfast
Summary: This time I'm reviewing New Moon. Will there be Twilight hate? Yep. I have warned you. Rated T because I'm paranoid.


**This was for a review competition, that's why a list of topics is mentioned.  
**

I don't think I came off as much of a book lover in these last two reviews.

I do love books. I`m always tripping over them, and despite the number of times they betray my trust by the unsuspected plot twist, I still love them. It's just I wasn't a massive fan of Twilight… the less said about that the better. So don't write me off as a book hater. (Heh, write, book? No? I`ll just shut up…)

So I shut my eyes and randomly jabbed a topic with my finger. And it was _a book from a genre you don't like_.

…Seriously?

Ugh. Well, I've already reviewed Twilight. Twilight is part of a saga? Okay, well Ill try new moon. Who knows? Maybe the sequel is better. Twilight can't have that many fans if all the books are as bad as the first… Right?

It starts off on a pretty positive note. Its Bella's birthday, and the Cullens have bought her presents. Of course, this is a sign she is further isolating her friends and father but is probably still as popular as ever. So she is opening the presents and is moaning. Let me summarize: _Oh nooo, why did you get me presents! I HATE presents! God! You`re all so stupid! Edward make me a vampire noooow!_ Good to see Bella is still as irritating as ever.

Then Bella gets a terrible injury- A paper cut. This causes Jasper to try to kill her, like how he killed James in the last book, but because its Bella everybody cares. Meyer tried to make Bella less perfect by making her clumsy. This does not make her any less annoying, though. Bella somehow nearly kills herself with some glass and Jasper is still trying to kill her with the rest of the creepy vampires –Meyer calls them the Cullens- holding him back. Jasper later keeps apologizing in that awkward way I can relate to, while Bella keeps going its okay, I'm fine. And Bella is really understanding about it. So she isn't even a little upset she nearly died? Whatever Bella.

Skip a few chapters and -oh my gosh- Eddy boy decides to leave because he's afraid of hurting Bella. Bella takes it bravely, realizes she can handle things on her own, earns a PhD in Quantum Physics and becomes President of the United States. Nah, I`m just kidding, she curls up into a depressive coma for months, gives up on life, ignores her friends and family –who SOMEHOW still like her despite her basically ignoring them for months- and only starts to live again when her dad –the cop, as you may remember- threatens to send her to live with her mum. Allow me to recap: Bella is dumped, Edward leaves, Bella is depressed for months even though Edward is controlling of her, and only starts to live her life again because her parents want her to.

Okay, then.

Now it's the return of the werewolf. Jacob Black, again, no relation to Sirius, has returned. Bella soon discovers he is a werewolf, and werewolves only appear when vampires do or something like that. Bella becomes close to Jacob the Friendly Werewolf –the JFW- and the love triangle takes shape. See, werewolves do this creepy thing where they basically choose a mate and stalk them for life. Meyer calls this romance. I call it time to get a restraining order. Anyhow, Bella found a sexy werewolf to replace the sexy vampire. Then Bella realizes she can hear Edwards voice when she has an adrenaline rush. Yes, she is hearing voices, I'm not kidding. She rides a motorcycle, approaches strange men and for her grand finale jumps of a cliff. I`m serious. Somebody teach this girl how to deal with rejection.

And now it's the return of the evil vampires! James had a girlfriend called Victoria, and she seems to think killing Bella will fix all her problems –why are there so many psychotic people in these books? And not even psychotic in a badass way like Bellatrix Lestrange or the Master, just psychotic in a weird way- So the werewolves protect the town from the nasty vampire. Then there's the bit where Bella gets stuck in a lake or something and is saved by Mr. Furry Paws. A friend of Charlie's, Harry Clearwater dies –Rest in peace Harry, we hardly knew you- and Alice –one of Eddy's sisters who can see the future and likes to blurt it out randomly and inappropriately- sees Bella jumping off the cliff and thinks she's dead. See? Randomly. Edward is devastated by this, because who will he watch sleep now? Alice heads off to Forks and sees Bella is okay, well, as okay as Bella Swan ever is. Bella is whining some more about choosing between the werewolf dude and how much she misses darling Edward. So anyway, another of Edwards's sisters –the one that hates Bella, Rosaline- tells him Bella is dead, and Edward, overcome with grief at the last girlfriend he will probably ever have in his undead life is dead, decides to dramatically kill himself, like Romeo and Juliet.

There are these evil head council of Vampires who like to kidnap tourists to drink their blood. Lovely. Edward makes no move to be a hero and save them, he instead acts like Bella and whines for the Volturi –the name for these vampires- to kill him. When they refuse, he hatches a cunning plan: He will show the humans his sparkles, which will absolutely terrify them. Sparkles are, after all, the stuff of nightmares. Because he shows the sparkles, the evil vampires will be mad and kill him. Great plan Edward, you're almost as stupid as Bella.

Bella shows up with Alice and saves Edward and they all get taken to the Volturi for judgement. The Volturi annoy me. They talk incredibly posh and they think it's OK to kill tourists. Did your moral consciousness die with your sense of fashion, Volturi? (It's an acceptable insult, they're practically wearing bed sheets) and they say Bella must be turned into a Vampire soon. Bella doesn't believe Edward is real –This is the girl that jumped off a cliff to see his face- but he kisses her to show he is –I was gagging at this point- and Bella somehow forgives him for causing her to slip into a depressive coma and leaving with practically no explanation (Slap his sparkly face Bella!)

Rosaline –the one that hates Bella- says she does like Bella but doesn't want her to become a vampire because it isn't what she would have chosen. It is supposed to be a heart-warming moment but it falls like damp cardboard. Call me heartless, but after reading New Moon I wasn't in the mood for whatever friendship goals Rosaline had. The book ends with Charlie grounding Bella. Unfortunately, he did not slap Edward. I wish he had. Then Jacob the Friendly Werewolf turns up in a not so friendly mood. He has a showdown with Edward over Bella –Yawn- and the book ends with Bella whining about her life and how it's not fair she's grounded. The Moral of Twilight: You're nothing without a boyfriend. NOTHING! And he has to be a hot sexy one that sparkles.

 **So, that was my latest review. I hoped you liked reading it as much as I liked making fun of Twilight.**


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